As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
