I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
