My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
