apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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