I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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