How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
