After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
