Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
