kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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