im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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