I cut my penus on the lid.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
