I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
