omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
