God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
this will be a night to untag.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
