I like my sex mixed with concussions.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
