so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
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Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You made out with two different species that night
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
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It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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