Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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