im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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