Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
