Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
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I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
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Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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