god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
