I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
