FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think a kid would responsible me up
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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