my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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