every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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