Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
