I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
