There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
