Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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