Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
