I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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