I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
