Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
