I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
