I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
