Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
