4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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