also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
