Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
