last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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