Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
