tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
