I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
