she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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