im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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