Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Randomize
