I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
