I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
