He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
