my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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