i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
