Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
