woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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