we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
