Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
