he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
