Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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